Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Your penis caused this!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
