Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
