i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
What drink are we having for lunch?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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