Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
wow bdsm is so cute
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
