i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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