Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
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