Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
