Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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