my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
