Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
