im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You were trust falling into bushes
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
