It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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