so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
