I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
