I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
