My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
