I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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