The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
