he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
