Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
