You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
