I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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