I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
