You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
