I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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