Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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