Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
