We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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