i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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