i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
