Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
