Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
