note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
