I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
