no, he came in my armpit
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
