I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
