Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
