My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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