WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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