grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
