On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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