she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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