Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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