every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
