yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize