Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize