I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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