She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
