I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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