i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
