I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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