I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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