I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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