dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize