Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
