i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
