I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
