alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
