theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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