she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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