As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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