he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
